First, before I start talking about what I was planning to talk about for this entry (if that makes any sense):
“ALTMC”= “A Letter to My Crush”
Since I’ve written a good amount of these posts for the past…couple of months(?), I decided to instigate a “mini series” that would document my sentiments, my moments and progression in my relationship with my crush. Whether or not this experience will come to a close soon or not, I don’t know. But I do know that, right now, this is actually happening.It’s freaking happening.
Okay, so shall we begin?
I thought so. 😉
Four out of five. Not a rating of you, but rather the number of times that I saw you this past week. But if I were in the position to give you an evaluation, I’d give you a million (lame, but n’importe quoi).
However, I had only talked to you once. One day, out of those four sightings. But that one day made all the difference; it made up for the others that had gone silent.
Was sitting in lecture, waiting for class to start when you walked in. Naturally, I turned to make eye contact. Cued you to come over and sit next to me. But, it was most likely from your own free will that you decided to grace me with your proximity. You could’ve chosen any other seat in the room- any!- but no, you decided here. And then.
Asked you “How are you?” to start something. Anything. Ten seconds of you before the professor started talking. You said you were good, and asked me back. I hesitated before saying, “Okay.” And you, noticing my pause, smiled ever so quizzically and inquired, “Why just ‘okay?’”
So why was I “just ‘okay?’” Even I wasn’t sure why I was just “okay,” just mediocre. Maybe ’cause I’m torn between feeling attracted and distant from you, not sure how I should react when I talk to you. Should I be funny and genial like a buddy-buddy, or should I remain nonchalant and blasé? Don’t answer “both,” for I am incapable of operating such polarizing reactions simultaneously. I’m “okay” that we sometimes don’t talk or see each other because of different schedule, but other times I’m not. I crave you, like comfort food, a blanket, a teddy bear to fuss and fawn over in my dreams at night.
And speaking of teddy bears, you are so adorably so. I can’t fathom how cute you are: your cheeks, your big, brown eyes, your youth-like spark (even though I can’t say for sure that you actually are innocent) that ignites me with this growing happiness that just blooms and blooms until I can’t contain it and it bursts and floods me and you in torrential chaos. Fortunately, that moment hasn’t happened yet. Yet, I am afraid that it might at some point before the term’s over, if I am not careful with myself, my actions.
But I digress: instead, I answered your question with some flippant thing about my early-morning routine and then lecture started. I was actually glad that the professor started talking at that moment, for if she didn’t, I would not be able to shut up. And if I did not shut up, I would make a massive ass out of myself. And you would think that I was weird. Weirder than weird.
Lecture ended, and I left before you had finished packing up. I needed a few minutes away from you, to recompose myself. I needed some time for self-reflection, to gear myself up for our next meeting in T-minus 10 minutos.
Walked into section class, and took my seat on the other side of the room, farther away from the door. You hadn’t arrive yet. But when you did shortly after, I didn’t expect you to do what you did. You saw me, and started walking towards the other side of the room. Now, the room was set up so that the tables and chairs formed a square, an open floor for everyone to see each other and talk to one another, face-to-face. You made your way past the side across from me, past the one adjacent to my spot. I was pretty certain that you would stop at some point near the corner of the side adjacent to mine, since you had sat there the week before. But you surprised me by making your way past there, past the two, three seats away from me, and…took the seat next to mine.
Did the Earth stop? Had there been a Revelation when you sat next to me? Highly doubtful, but in that moment it was indeed a ground-breaking point in my experiences thus far with you. That you would make your trek all the way around the room, past those scraping chairs and thin spaces between the tables and walls, to sit next to me. And for what purpose? That I will never know.
So discussion started. The professor had told us during lecture about a “Group Project” that we all had to do, which would take up 4 to 6 weeks of the term. The TA then instructed us to either find someone to partner up with and/or she would choose the group members for us.
This was the opportunity to do it: you were right there, right next to me, and at that moment in time, I had to go for it. This was my chance, before it was too late. I turned to you, and asked, “Do you want to be a group?” Again, that heart-aching smile: “Sure.” Got grouped up with three other equally nice members by the TA, but I didn’t care. I secured you, I secured myself. Got the contact info Round-Robin style, and we were good to go.
But alas, a hiccup in expectations. A flaw. Afterwards, we had to discuss Virginia Woolf, and so we were paired up to do so. We had to compare character foils in the text, and I had my opinions about one thing, while you argued on another matter. And I was fine that you had justified your thoughts, but it seemed that you were trying to …invalidate mine. Maybe I’m just too sensitive when it comes to people arguing against and coming up with “better” justifications for a particular topic. Or maybe you were just trying to challenge me, to get me to elaborate on why I believed what I believed. You put me on the spot, and I was too tongue-tied and confounded to give you a rebuttal. I was never good at articulating myself on the fly, let alone through dialogue. The most comfortable and articulate moment for me trickles from time: time to ruminate, write, edit, and submit my thoughts. One of these days, though, I will become the most clear-minded and plain-spoken bad-ass that you’ll ever meet. I will destroy your doubts about my competency and argue with you on an equal level. I guarantee you that.
Regardless, we’ll see how this Group Project goes. Not going to be easy, but hopefully not a pain. We’ll see how we go, too. I wish for the best to come. ‘Til then,
-The Finicky Cynic