My Sexuality

Hello, there.

Today’s post will be more serious than my previous ones. I was really unsure whether I wanted to do this, going back and forth between doing so or not. In the end, though, I decided that would go ahead and do it. I think I’m ready.

So brace yourself- it’s about to get deep. Consider this as a trigger warning: if you don’t want to hear about sex, sexual orientation, or other sex-related issues, then at this point, please don’t read any further.

For those who don’t care, read on.

Okay…

*takes a deep breath*

I’m a girl (well, a woman in her early twenties) and I’m… attracted to women. And, to a lesser extent, men. I can’t really, one-hundred-percent say where I am on the Kinsey scale of sexuality, but I can tell you that, while I don’t mind being in a relationship with either genders, I desire women sexually. I can imagine myself making love to a woman more so to a man. I can envision myself feeling pleasure from the act: the kisses, the warm, bare skin and breasts on top of each other, the sensations spilling all over me- all from the doings of a woman who I love.

I’ve had dozens of feelings for dozens of girls, both intense and real. Whether it was admiring a classmate from across the room to a close acquaintance, I have had strong yearnings for them. Some of them have long since passed from my thoughts, while others have continued to make my heart skip whenever I see them. Damn these emotions. Really, they’re god-awful, in the sense that I don’t know if my feelings are reciprocated; I wonder if these women who I have huge crushes on know and feel the same way as I do. Then again, though, I’m too chicken to actually ask, for fear of ruining it if they don’t actually share the same feelings. And even if they *miraculously* do, things still risk of not working out.

These feelings have been with me since I was seventeen, when I realized that I was checking out girls more than guys. To me, girls just seemed more…tangible. Soft, gorgeous, relatable (well, I am a girl…). They way that they looked, rocking all sorts of hairstyles and outfits that left me stunned. The way that some smiled a smile that took my breath away. The way that some smelled like warm shampoo when I stood close enough (but not too close). All of these features have accumulated into my appreciation for the female race, as well as my love for them.

Yet, I am hesitant to call myself strictly a lesbian. I am even reluctant to admit that I’m bisexual (as I’ve *briefly* mentioned, I do find men attractive, but in a different sense). I don’t want a label to define me; I believe in a spectrum, a sexual fluidity that will likely go back and forth as I continue to grow and experience these emotions: within myself, as well as with someone who I will love.

Yes, I am aware that some people might disagree with my ideas: either they do not accept LGBTQA individuals or accept the fact that I do not label myself, despite saying that I desire women sexually. I am aware of all that, and it’s okay- you are all entitled to these feelings. Just as I am entitled to my own.

I thank you in advance for your understanding and support. Take care.

– The Finicky Cynic

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32 thoughts on “My Sexuality

  1. Very brave of you. Let me relate one of the loves of my life was a woman like yourself. At the time she was living with a woman and I became the man in her life. I became great friends with her wife and for many years we had a wonderful relationship. We understood it as less a definition of being bisexual but more two different types of love. 🙂

  2. I don’t have a clue how one would approach someone of the same gender, but I can tell you that a female asked me out in college once and I was hugely flattered. So you might be surprised if you let someone know how you feel about her? It just might not come across as poorly as you think. But I don’t know. :o)

    1. PS I do have a post somewhere that explains my own sexual orientation but it’s not as profound as this & I’m too lazy to go look it up. 🙂 But if you’re super duper curious, it’s there somewhere.

  3. Incredibly brave of you to post. I’m sure you’ll find understanding here, as well from me. Don’t feel pressured to label yourself. Label’s don’t mean a lot. If anything, they are constantly changing. You have all the time you need to re-assure yourself of these current desires or maybe even enhance them. Just feel comfortable and be careful to who you open up too in your personal life.

    No matter how much support we give you here, unreasonable people are everywhere. 🙂

  4. my20somethingsadventures

    this was so brave. i think i wrote about my sexuality awhile back but i believe i have that post on private. i will look for it and think about posting it again, or maybe i’ll write a new one. i can relate so much to how you feel. it’s good to know i’m not the only one 🙂 some people think you have to put a label on yourself and i’m just not comfortable with that yet. I’m just me. if people ask me what my orientation is i say bisexual. and i even have that on my blog in the about me section, but still…i really don’t like that label because it doesn’t fully explain my orientation. it’s not quite accurate. sorry for the long comment. you probably didn’t want to know that much haha. great post!

    1. rebbit7

      Thank you for expressing your thoughts. And it’s completely fine that your comment was long; I actually like that!

      As for your post about your sexuality, it’s up to you. Whether you choose to share it or not, I still think that you’re an awesome person. 🙂

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  7. Welcome to a community that’s getting harder and harder to define. My best guess is that comes with increasing acceptance from the larger world. Wherever your explorations take you, I wish you joy and self-acceptance. And it’s heartening to see the support you’ve received here.

    1. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Yes, even though it’s getting more complicated to define sexuality, it’s also becoming more inclusive. Here’s hoping that it continues to progress that way!

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