Today’s post will be more serious than my previous ones. I was really unsure whether I wanted to do this, going back and forth between doing so or not. In the end, though, I decided that would go ahead and do it. I think I’m ready.
So brace yourself- it’s about to get deep. Consider this as a trigger warning: if you don’t want to hear about sex, sexual orientation, or other sex-related issues, then at this point, please don’t read any further.
For those who don’t care, read on.
*takes a deep breath*
I’m a girl (well, a woman in her early twenties) and I’m… attracted to women. And, to a lesser extent, men. I can’t really, one-hundred-percent say where I am on the Kinsey scale of sexuality, but I can tell you that, while I don’t mind being in a relationship with either genders, I desire women sexually. I can imagine myself making love to a woman more so to a man. I can envision myself feeling pleasure from the act: the kisses, the warm, bare skin and breasts on top of each other, the sensations spilling all over me- all from the doings of a woman who I love.
I’ve had dozens of feelings for dozens of girls, both intense and real. Whether it was admiring a classmate from across the room to a close acquaintance, I have had strong yearnings for them. Some of them have long since passed from my thoughts, while others have continued to make my heart skip whenever I see them. Damn these emotions. Really, they’re god-awful, in the sense that I don’t know if my feelings are reciprocated; I wonder if these women who I have huge crushes on know and feel the same way as I do. Then again, though, I’m too chicken to actually ask, for fear of ruining it if they don’t actually share the same feelings. And even if they *miraculously* do, things still risk of not working out.
These feelings have been with me since I was seventeen, when I realized that I was checking out girls more than guys. To me, girls just seemed more…tangible. Soft, gorgeous, relatable (well, I am a girl…). They way that they looked, rocking all sorts of hairstyles and outfits that left me stunned. The way that some smiled a smile that took my breath away. The way that some smelled like warm shampoo when I stood close enough (but not too close). All of these features have accumulated into my appreciation for the female race, as well as my love for them.
Yet, I am hesitant to call myself strictly a lesbian. I am even reluctant to admit that I’m bisexual (as I’ve *briefly* mentioned, I do find men attractive, but in a different sense). I don’t want a label to define me; I believe in a spectrum, a sexual fluidity that will likely go back and forth as I continue to grow and experience these emotions: within myself, as well as with someone who I will love.
Yes, I am aware that some people might disagree with my ideas: either they do not accept LGBTQA individuals or accept the fact that I do not label myself, despite saying that I desire women sexually. I am aware of all that, and it’s okay- you are all entitled to these feelings. Just as I am entitled to my own.
I thank you in advance for your understanding and support. Take care.
– The Finicky Cynic