Well…this is it.
In a few hours, I will be graduating from college. I probably won’t see you again, but…in the back of my mind, there is a slight hope that maybe, just maybe, I can run into you over summer in the area. You said that you will be there for summer school, anyway. But I can only dream…
In any case, thank you for everything. It’s been a while since I’ve known you and, although we weren’t really warm with each other at first, it wasn’t until this year that the chemistry kicked in. If it makes any sense, I feel at once more comfortable and less comfortable talking to you. More comfortable in the sense that I could joke around with you, less comfortable in the sense that I think I have feelings for you, but am unsure if you do as well.
One thing to know is that, when I have a crush on someone, I react by pretending to act blasé, pretending that I’m not as interested in you as I actually am. I try to detach myself when we’re together, but when we’re not around each other, I crave your presence. Seriously, I always ask myself why I torture myself doing this. Really, it’s god awful.
It’s interesting, because…I have caught you looking at me several times during meetings and other social functions. Just last week at our organization’s end-of-the-year dinner, I caught you lingering at me when I was walking up you and the others. I said “hello” to everyone, and tried to return your gaze.
We ended up sitting beside each other during dinner; I didn’t mind that I bumped elbows with you while eating (being left-handed is both a nightmare and an advantage for the dining experience). You talked to me a bit before we ordered, asking me about gym work-outs (since I would always run into you on my way back from the gym) and details about my summer job. The fact that you were asking me all of these things, however trivial, just…touched me. I know it’s just chit-chat, but it showed that you cared. And I like that. ❤
Our conversation turned to the rest of the group’s, so we didn’t talk as much after that. The dinner was pretty good, quite fancy for an on-campus dining room. Lots of eating and talking, lots of laughter, and all of that good stuff that comes with the end of the school year. Just good company.
I was feeling nervous as we were finishing up the evening and walking out of the restaurant. I had been preparing for the opportunity to ask you about…our eye-contact exchanges that’s been going on for several months now. Throughout dinner, I was finding the right time to get you one-on-one to ask you, away from the others, but with everyone sitting together and within earshot of each other, it was impossible. But I knew that, as we were walking outside, this was my final chance to do so. Cliché as it sounds, it was now or never.
I was super nervous, but knew that I had to go for it. So I got your attention. You said, “Yeah, what’s up?” And I started to *slowly* ask you, trying to make sure that I was phrasing my words correctly. I hadn’t prepare for the actual talk, just the actual encounter, and so my words just came out hesitant and vague. You asked for clarification, whether our eye-contact exchange was in the context of when we ran into each other on campus or somewhere else. I responded with the former. Your response was something along the lines of, “Well, I wasn’t sure if you recognize me, so I make sure that look long enough to let you know that it’s me.”
True, you have an identical sibling, but…at this point, I can tell you two apart. I realize now that that answer wasn’t complete, because, well, I also see you looking at me during meetings, with which your twin isn’t involved. But I wasn’t thinking about that at the moment, and even if I were to ask that, you might sense something was up. My question to you was already strange to begin with, and so I didn’t want to push it.
We ended up getting a ride back from one of our colleagues. He dropped you off at your spot; I had to get out of the car for a bit, so that you could get out. Before you left, you hugged me and said goodbye. I was too surprised to hug you back, and even though it was a brief contact exchange, I was touched. Literally and figuratively. 😛 That was the second time that we had physical contact, even if it was just a hug. I don’t usually hug, so when it happens, it’s a big deal for me.
I must be insane for believing that we could possibly meet up during the summer. A friend recently told me that although life’s about 90% rejection and 10% acceptance, you won’t know if that 10% will happen if one doesn’t try. Good advice, but still…I’m too chicken shit to contact you without it seeming like a date or something. I have a huge fear of rejection, even though I know that I have to eventually learn to accept it, since, well…that’s the real world.
Perhaps I’ll find the guts to reach out to you over the summer, perhaps not. But once again, it’s been great knowing you these last couple of years, and I wish you well in your future endeavors. Your kindness will stay with me for a long time, and for that, I greatly appreciate it. Take care.
– The Finicky Cynic
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