California Dream (A Letter to My Crush, Part 19)


…it’s me.

God, why did I just do that? Should’ve known that listening to Adele too much for too long can make one sick.

Lovesick, that is.

See what I just did there?

I’m sorry.

Let me start over. Considering that we’ve known each other since October, you probably know how I tend to crack jokes often, never hesitating to liven up a moment whenever we hung out. You probably know as well my love for a good pun, no matter how corny and face palm-worthy it is.

…and you probably already know that the title of this letter is *partly* inspired by a lyric from “Hello,” as well as the fact that, well, this letter is for you.

Because I think I might like you.

I asked myself how did this all start, this realization of liking you? I tried going all of the way back to the beginning of the year abroad, back in October. During our first or second teacher’s meeting; I think I had noticed you in the crowd of 100-plus assistants, but didn’t pay much attention, since the meeting was so hectic, getting things organized and everything.

It wasn’t until we were split off into smaller groups that I started to notice you more. When December rolled around, we were in our third meeting when we actually talked, as it was required for a group activity that our instructor had given us. You were affable, quiet and calm as we discussed with two other people in our group. When you spoke to me, you looked at me with this…look that perhaps I’m reading too much into, but who knows, really? Your gaze was a mixture of mutual interesting, curiosity, and…easiness? That’s the best way I can describe it.

…and you held it. Tried to hold my gaze. Interesting fact: I get uncomfortable when people try to catch my eye; I am not accustomed to receiving attention, and usually would do anything to redirect the focus away from me. In other words, I don’t enjoy the spotlight. But I tried that day to return your look, however unsure of myself that I was.

I found out that you were from California, like me. That we both share pride in the fact that we are from California. Unlike other assistants who came from England, India, Australia, or even other parts of the United States, we were able to relate to our Californian roots (In-N-Out, street tacos, Cali slang, beaches, etc). We hit it off so well that day, and I even got your number (as new-found friends, of course) to contact you later that evening, in case you wanted to get drinks after the meeting. We never did end up meeting that evening, as we were both too exhausted from the long training day to go out and socialize. But we both understood.

We met up during our final meeting in January, and then afterwards we were on our own. The following months were a matter of keeping in touch via Facebook Messenger, chatting about n’importe quoi: how teaching was going, our travel plans, general musings about California and our desire to return once the year was over. Not because we hated France (not at all!), but rather for our family, friends, and of course, the warm, West-Coast sun. Because Normandy is freaking cold as heck. 😛

I believe that, through those three or four months of corresponding via Facebook, you started to grow on me. Figuratively, obviously. Your quiet, but kind nature is sweet, and your smile is endearing. Seriously, it’s adorable how the crinkles around your eyes appear when you raise the corners of your lips- super cute. ❤

The last time we met each other was the penultimate weekend in April, before our contracts were up. I decided to pay a visit to see you and a couple of other assistants for the day, and it was so great seeing and catching up with you after months. More talks about n’importe quoi, but I didn’t care: what mattered was that I saw you. And saw that you were doing well.

I wished that I could’ve say something more meaningful than a mere “goodbye” and a hug before I left that day. Then again, I’m not sure if I would’ve had the courage to say what I was thinking. That I had been thinking about you for the last few months, and that I was truly going to miss you when we left France, although we are both from California. Then again, we are miles apart within the same state, with different lives, different people, and whatnot.

…and I wished that I had gotten to know you sooner, to have made more of an effort to see you whenever I was in town. Our last conversation was, once more, via Facebook Messenger, a couple of days after I had returned home to the United States. You were on your way back home then, and I had wished you safe travels. I’m sure you made it home sans problem.

Seven months was too short of getting to know you. In fact, I still don’t know you. Yes, you are super nice and easy to talk to, but those impressions are what I got from the few times we hung out. Like how you’ve looked at me, I am curious about you. I want to know you more, because whenever we are together, I feel happy. Perhaps you feel the same, too.

Maybe we’ll see each other again, in case our careers take us to the same place at the same time. Or maybe we won’t ever meet up, and that our brief time in France is all that we are able to hold on to. Good or unfortunate, I am glad to have met a wonderful person like you this year, and I wish you nothing but happiness: post-France and beyond. Au revoir.

— The Finicky Cynic

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2 thoughts on “California Dream (A Letter to My Crush, Part 19)

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